Sunday, November 23, 2008

A Moment of Silence, Please

Let us all bow our heads, in shame, after the defeat of the Wolverines to their arch enemies, the Ohio State Buckeyes.

I mean, c'mon -- your mascot is a tree nut? How threatening is that? Fact of the matter… a buckeye is a tree that produces a distinctive nut. Buckeyes are also a very delicious chocolate and peanut butter candy that look similar to the nut. Does that strike fear in your heart?

I'll probably get hunted down for speaking ill of Ohio State. If you live in Ohio, you are required by law to cheer for Ohio State. If you don't live in Ohio, the only way I can describe Ohio State football to you is this -- it is like MTV Spring Break every single weekend, but with ten times the violence and fifty times the mace. If Ohio State wins, everyone sets their own couches on fire in the middle of the street. If Ohio State loses, you may find your car resting on it's roof the morning after. In other words, it doesn't matter what the result of the game is -- if it's football Saturday, your life and property are in imminent danger.

The only redeeming aspect of Ohio State football is the song "Hang on Sloopy" where everyone gets up and spells out O-H-I-O on the chorus. People use their arms to spell it out -- this is my favorite picture as an example. It includes "Big Butter Jesus" as the "H" (no need to explain for all of you Bob & Tom listeners or Haywood Banks fans.)

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